Forced to Live
by fjcute
Summary: Russia is called evil, but he is only mentally cracked. What is really going on inside his head, and why hurt Liet? Who could love life, when thy're being forced to live? A RussLiet story about suicide, multiple personalities, and split feelings. Rated M for suicide, torture, and possible sexual references.
1. Chapter 3

"_Where did the pain go? Have I died after all?"_ Russia opened his eyes, only for an infinite darkness to invade his vision. Wherever he was, he couldn't see anything.

"_Is this supposed to be hell? Floating alone in an endless darkness? I'm used to being alone. It's not as if anyone would have stayed by my side anyway."_ **'Are you sure about that?'**

Russia turned his head, looking for whoever said that, but there was no one there. No one and nothing.

"_Who's there?"_ **'I'm Russia'** _"What? I am Russia. Who are you?"_

'**You know me. And I can't believe you just tried to kill us.'** _"So you are a part of me."_

'**I am the true you. I am the you who indulges your desires.'** _"You can't be. I never wanted to hurt Lithuania."_ **'Yes you did.'** _"No! That was you!"_

'**And I am you. Don't lie, and say that there wasn't even a second where you didn't want it. Tell me, which do you like better of Lithuania's eyes? When they sparkle from his joy, or from his tears?'** _"No."_

'**Or his hands? When they hold yours, or when his nails bite into his own sides to release the pain?'** _"Stop."_

'**Or his voice? When he laughs as you two talk, or when he screams and begs?'** _"Stop it!"_ **'You know I'm right.'**

Russia's hands rose to his face, and he felt tears leaking down his cheeks. _"No."_ **'It was you who hurt him. It was your body. That's what he saw.'** _"No. It was you."_

'**But he saw you at the end of the whip. I may have been the mind, but he will always remember you for it.'** _"No!"_ **'At least he won't forget you.'**

"_NO! No, no, no! Stop! I don't want him to see me like that! Remember me! Remember my smile, my laugh!"_ **'How you smiled as he screamed. And how you laughed as his blood stained your hands.'**

"_No! Remember me for me! For the times I was in control! Liet! Lithuania please! Don't forget the times I tried! I did this for you. I died so that you wouldn't hurt anymore. Remember me for that!"_

'**No matter how much you wish it, he will still hate you.'**

"_I love you, Liet. Don't hate me. I love you."_

The voice laughed, before disappearing, giving Russia a moment of peace.

"_Liet…"_

* * *

Hi. Wow, I've gotten a lot done on this. Oh! And Thorn. It's kinda supposed to be that way. We only see the other character's opinions on Russia, never what Russia was feeling. Thanks for being the first person to review.

I not sure whether this chapter answered questions or made more, but I hope you all like it. Find out what happened to Russia next chapter, and Lithuania's true feelings.

-Vietnam

-KunaiBlade

-Natsuki


	2. Chapter 4

The hospital's walls, ceilings, floors, everything was a blinding white. Lithuania had hardly left it, as he sat by Russia's bedside. He knew how Russia hated being in a hospital, but right now there was no choice.

He had gone into a coma after the bullet he fired barely missed his heart. He hadn't yet woken up, and Lithuania felt obligated to stay by his side.

The other nations thought he was crazy, wanting to stay with his captor and tormentor. Estonia had mentioned Stockholm Syndrome.

Liet himself didn't know exactly why he remained there. Perhaps it is what he had heard Russia scream before he entered the room. '_I love Liet! So let me die as a human! Let me end this as the one who wants to help Lithuania, not hurt him!!'_

Even after Russia pointed that gun at him, Liet stuck to those words. Because Russia's eyes held something that they hadn't before.

Back in all the times he had been hurt, Russia's eyes were clouded, as if he wasn't even seeing what was happening before him. But that time, they were clear. And they were fighting.

In a hope to help him Lithuania had given in. He had let Russia do anything to him. Because it was when he was being hurt that Russia fought for control with whatever was in his mind.

Even now he was fighting. His eyes leaked tears, and he spoke in his sleep. Little nonsense sentences and words that let you know you were only getting half the conversation.

'Who are you, hurt Lithuania, stop, no, remember me, control, Liet, Lithuania, don't forget, wouldn't hurt anymore, died for you. I love you Liet, don't hate me.'

All of Lithuania's suspicions had been confirmed. Russia had MPD. He kept fighting with it, tried to stop it. Just like with the gun. They had been fighting for control the entire time.

Lithuania almost went to tears, clutching Russia's hand and tracing the scars criss-crossing his wrist, as he waited for Russia to wake.

This would end with one of them dominate. He had to be here to help Russia through this, even if he couldn't really be fighting by his side. And whichever side emerged Lithuania would remain by his side. Be it the one who loves him, or the one who hurts him.

'Yet,' Lithuania thought 'they are both Russia. Both of them are part of him. So which side is it…that I want to protect? Which side of Russia……is the one I love?'

* * *

YAYZ!! Another chapter! Yes, Russia is not dead. He is only in a coma. Refer to chapter 3 for what Russia was saying to the MPD him.

For those who don't know MPD=multiple personality disorder. Usually created through trauma, suppressed memories or feelings, and loneliness.

Special thanks to

Thorn- we haven't seen the end of MPD Russia. Sorry, he's supposed to be mean.

Casca- thanks! I tried for that!

Whitetyger123- you haven't read anything yet. Just wait.

Old Fritz- Thank you! And please don't cry.

-Vietnam

-KunaiBlade

-Natsuki


	3. Chapter 5

Thanks to all my supporters and reviewers!! Cause I forgot which ones reviewed to last chapter and which ones reviewed to the one before it… sorry.

Well, I hope you enjoy. Back to Russia's hellish subconscious.

* * *

How many times had it come and gone? The entity, which Russia was now calling a spirit, would never truly leave.

How long had he been floating in this endless abyss, with nothing but that tormenting voice for company?

"_Why do you keep returning? I'm dead, there's nothing you can do anymore." __**'**_** We're not dead. I would never let us die like that.' **

"_I'm not dead? Then what is this?"_ **'You're only in a coma. Be glad I made you miss our heart.'**

"_Why? I wanted to die. It's not as if I had a reason to live anymore__**."**_** 'That's not true. He's waiting for us.**_**'**__ "He?"_ There was a shimmer of light above Russia's head. It hurt his eyes, but they soon adjusted. He saw Lithuania, crying and holding the hand of a person he couldn't see.

"_Liet? Why are you crying? Are you that sad that I lived? Has something happened?"_ "Russia. Come back. Please come back. I love you. Don't leave me, not like this. I beg of you." Russia's eyes widened as he watched Lithuania sit there and cry for him.

"_But I hurt you. Why would you ever want me back?"_ "Please come back. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I should have told you that I knew. It wasn't you, not really. You didn't mean for it to happen. Don't hate yourself for something that you have no control over."

Russia felt tears stream down his cheeks. _"Is that it? I tried to die, but he wanted me to live? I only ended up hurting him more, didn't I?"_ **'Would he be crying if you didn't?'**

"Russia…Please come back. I'll stay with you. I'll do anything. Just come back. Wake up. Please." _"He wants me to wake up? Even after everything you did?"_ **'That ****we ****did. I am you.' **

"_I guess there's no way to leave you here?"_ **'Nope.'** _"Then I can't leave. You'll only hurt him again."_

'**So? I am a being of your subconscious. Besides, he handed himself over to me.'** _"What? What are you talking about?" _'**Listen.'**

"I tried to help you. I really did. I knew that you began to fight when I got hurt. I let your second self do whatever he wanted, so that you could come back. Because when you didn't fight you wouldn't return.

"When I ran or resisted, the other you stayed in control. I thought I could help, but I ended up bringing you to this. Forgive me master. I'm sorry. It's my fault you're like this. It's my fault you're hurt.

"If you can find a way to return on your own, I'll resist again. You don't have to die to save me when I'm trying to save you! So please! Just come back. Wake up. You don't have to be alone anymore. I'll stay with you. I'll help you."

"_He…he would stay by my side? After everything? He choose to endure everything you did so he could help me?"_

'**You can wake up if you want. Go to him.' **

"………_Liet……….." _

Russia closed his eyes, thinking. When he opened his eyes again, everything was a blinding white. He felt cold, but there was a warmth around his hand. He turned his head, seeing a crying Lithuania, his eyes closed and unaware that Russia was awake.

Russia sat up, careful not to move his hand, and wrapped Lithuania in a hug. The nation's eyes snapped open, and he only started to cry harder.

"Russia… oh thank god! Russia!" "It's okay Liet. Don't cry. I'm back."

They just stayed there for a moment wrapped in each other's embrace. One happy that his prayers were answered, and one happy to answer them.

* * *

Hi!.................Yeah…………. don't think you've seen the end of MPD Russia. What story would this be if he disappeared now?

I only have one more chapter written, but it's not edited or typed. After I get that up, it may be a while before a new chapter gets up. Fans of the series should set up a story alert so you know when it updates.

Oh BTW. I'm thinking of making another chapter series. 'A complete and total Hetalia parody for dominating the world'. I only have basic ideas, and no true plot though. If you think I should work on it, tell me. If not, I will drop it.

-Vietnam

-KunaiBlade

-Natsuki


	4. Author's Note

Hello everyone! I'm not dead! Sorry that this chapter is one huge authors note, but after 2 years of not having a steady computer, I finally have something I should be able to work on!

Note, that this will only be for the next half-year though, as then I'll be going to college, and I have no idea what the comp situation will be.

So, about Forced To Live.

I was planning on giving all of my old series up, including this one. But your reviews (and I never expected this to get so much praise, I don't even like my own work) may just have saved it.

I do have a couple more chapters written out, but they are incredibly old and….. kinda disturbing…..

So here is my idea.

First, I'm going to be going over my old work, re-witting some stuff, taking some things down entirely, but only those that never got anywhere like Ikustaka.

So, I'll be fixing up Forced to Live, and then, hopefully, getting some new chapters up!

I've taken some writing classes and a psychology class, so this story especially should go much smother.

The bad news about this is that I no longer have the files of the old chapters, so I'll have to type them all up by scratch, and that will take much longer then otherwise.

But, I will try my best. Wish me luck!

-Viet


	5. Chapter 1

Forced to Live

I'm a fan of RussiaXLithuania, and a fan of Insane!Russia. Lets find a way to mix them without Russia being the bad guy, huh? Hope you all enjoy!

Russia POV

Why do they call me a monster? A murderer? A demon? I don't understand it.

I don't enjoy the pain of others. I don't like to hurt people. I just don't want to be alone.

They're afraid. All of them. They fear me even when I don't want to scare them. They tremble even though I mean them no harm.

They hate me… for the times I've lost control.

I only chase them when they run because I can't stand being alone in this cold anymore! Yet, I keep making them hate me. I _know_ they can't stand me. No matter how sorry I am, whether I'm insane or not, even I know what I've done is unforgivable.

I don't remember anything. I didn't even remember what I'd been doing until I saw him, writhing on the floor, bleeding and crying….Liet… Oh poor Lithuania forgive me. Even you, who know me better then anyone, can't really tell how I feel at all.

How the knife or whip or lighter or whatever I had somehow managed to get a hold of would clatter to the ground, so loud in the silence you forced on yourself, and tears would spring into my eyes. How much it hurt me to leave you there like that, to just turn and walk away without a word, so that I could lock myself in my room and cry. How the long contemplation always unearthed the gun in my desk, and became a game of roulette.

The single bullet never came. I was always interrupted before my luck ran out, for I would never have you suffer through seeing my own, pitiful death, not after all I've already done to hurt you. Perhapes I'm just to scared of seeing you happy, despite it being my deepest wish, because it would kill any last light of hope I have. I've never been a lucky man, I can easily say I'm the unluckiest person I've ever met. Maybe the Fates were just laughing at me. Refusing to let me die so I can stay their cheep sideshow.

Perhapes living was my punishment. The torment for all the bad I'd unknowingly done, was to live. Live with the stares, the whispers, the accusations, the hate, the fear, the war, the hunger, the crying, the screaming, the loneliness, the cold, the pain. No one could stop them. Even after my death they would all continue. So what good would it do? So what good could I do?

I came back to my senses again, and looked down at Lithuania, sitting on the floor with no shirt, scars lining his back. He had bitten through his lip trying to stay silent, doing his best not to scream. He was almost covered in his own blood. Lithuania's head fell slightly as the weapon I didn't feel myself holding fell from my hand. His mouth was gaping, as if he were begging for air, and his breath came in ragged gasps.

I felt the tears leak back into my eyes, I couldn't hold them back this time, no matter how much I wanted to run. I fell to my knees, into the small pool of blood on the floor as the water made it's way down my face. Liet turned towards me, shaking. A confused, yet relieved look on his face. "Lord Russia?" Wincing, Lithuania reached towards me, but I knowcked his hand away and stood. Someone like him, someone so pure, shouldn't touch an inhuman thing like me. I turned and left the room, hoping against hope, that this game of roulette would be my last.

I know you can never forgive me Lithuania, but at least think of this as my repentance. Don't be hurt by my death, let it bring you joy. Let it give you _your_ life back. Don't bother crying over the corpse of a man who hurt you so badly.

I will end this, because I love you. Goodbye Lithuania. Toris. Goodbye.

So, as stated, I'm beginning my re-write of the chapters. Making them a little longer, fixing some typos, making them sound better, typical shit.

Hope you all like it.

-Zeala


	6. Chapter 2

As he sat on his bed, the cold surrounded him. Even with his heavy coat and scarf, it pierced his skin, like a million needles on every inch of his flesh. It didn't hurt so much as it tingled, but the feeling was encompassing.

What was creating this cold? He was used to near-freezing temperatures, it's not as if this was anything new. Perhaps it was the metal in his hand. The cold, hard texture of the gun he had been holding for…an hour? Or had it been longer? Shorter? How long had he been staring at the pistol, wondering if he should fire or not?

He knew that nearly anyone, when asked, would say that suicide was wrong, that there was no point in ending your own life, that if your at the lowest possible point, it can only get better. For humans, it probably can. But he wasn't even human, did that apply to him? It's not as if anyone would miss him anyway.

Ukraine avoided him like the plague, America led the majority of the world at hating his guts, Estonia and Latvia were terrified of him, China had done everything short of putting out a restraining order, and Lithuania…

…Lithuania…

Liet must hate him most of all. Considering all the times, all the _ways_ Russia had hurt him, and there had been too many to count. There would be any number of reasons for Liet to hate him.

And as long as he was alive, he would snap again. He would lose his mind and never be able to end this. If he didn't hurry, _it_ would come back, and each time it got harder to keep it away, or take control back.

The gun was gripped tighter as it slowly rose, and Russia swallowed, knowing, that soon it would all be done, they would all be safe. But just before the gun could make it to his skull, there was a sharp ringing. 'No. No, not now!' It was the laughter again. The laughter that came from his mouth, used his voice, but didn't belong to him.

'No! Stop. Let me end this!; He had to fight just to keep the gun in his hand. He just kept pleading in his head, until he couldn't keep it in, and he ended up screaming at his invisible attacker.

"No! I love Liet! So let me die as me! Let me end this as the one who wanted to help Lithuania, not hurt him!" The gun fumbled in his hand, falling to the bed. Russia made a grab for it, fighting off the urge to black out, and just got it shaking back against his head again, before here was a knock at the door.

"Lord Russia? Are you okay? I heard screaming, and…" The door opened, and Lithuania appeared in the doorway.

'No.' Russia kept struggling, he had to keep it pointed at himself, but it slowly started turning towards Lithuania. 'No!'

Liet's eyes didn't even widen. He didn't look surprised in any way, just tired. His eyes closed, as if he was expecting this, and his head turned towards the ground. "Russia…"

Tears almost made it to Russia's eyes as Lithuania knelt to the ground, ready to let the bullet kill him.

'NO! Stop! I'm dying to help him LIVE, live happily. I won't let him die, not like this!' Russia wrestled control back completely, just for a moment, and pointed the gun towards his own heart. "Russia?"

"I'm sorry Liet. I had hoped that you wouldn't see this." 'The heart won't splatter nearly as much as the brain. I won't hurt him any more.'

"Russia…. No. No, don't!"

"Goodbye, Lithuania."

He felt his finger pull on the trigger, and the pain shooting through his chest. He heard Lithuania scream as he hit the ground. And he remembers feeling his arm move more than he told it to, before he stopped feeling altogether.

'Goodbye, Toris


End file.
